Like a family, a campus experiences losses, and perhaps the worst is when a student dies. I've lived in Davis for 30 years and personally met two students we've lost, one of them just last year.

Angelina Malfitano, a student assistant to the chancellor, died last May, only three months after I'd spent a delightful hour interviewing her. I had been enchanted by this vibrant young woman and was shaken by her death, but I found support on campus.

Sharing information

Student deaths are rare. When they happen, a coroner initially informs the family because that's what the law requires. Once the student's name has been released, the Office of the Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs gets involved.

The staff informs several departments about the death: those that deal with practical matters, such as the Office of the University Registrar, those to whom the loss is personal, such as the student's major department, and those who provide help to the living, especially Counseling and Psychological Services.

"A lot of people on campus feel it when there's a student death. Even though this is a big university, I think it's a close-knit university," said Emil Rodolfa, director of the student counseling center. His efforts are part of what make it that way.

Rodolfa, a licensed psychologist, is often the campus representative who calls parents. He expresses the university's sympathy and listens carefully. Do the parents want privacy? A service? A memorial? Several years ago, the parents of a student who died from alcohol poisoning on his 21st birthday established a program to send birthday cards to other new 21-year-old students, encouraging them to celebrate responsibly.

If a friend dies

Someday each of our children's lives will be touched by the death of a friend. If this happens at college, Rodolfa suggests two courses of action. First, give your student an opportunity to talk about what happened. Don't shy away from mentioning the death. Be prepared to listen.

Second, remind your student about free counseling on campus, or if your student has found a campus "home" at a place like the Women's Resources and Research Center, the Cross-Cultural Center, or the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Resource Center, suggest a visit.

Don't be surprised if your son or daughter adopts the younger generation's way of grieving. Facebook, an Internet networking site, has become a place for college students to share their sadness. I recently discovered that students are still posting messages on Angelina's Facebook page.

I, too, turn to the Internet for solace sometimes, but I also attend memorial services for faculty or students I've known, and they help me.

I think of UC Davis as a huge grove where every tree matters, especially to those close by. We on campus know that every lost tree leaves an empty space, as if we could see that grove from the sky.